Yesterday was probably my lowest day yet, nope not the scale though that would be awesome, in my emotional life. I wasn’t handling Mike being gone very well at all. I cried tons (still am a bit) and then more some and finally decided to write a couple people I knew would understand or at least help me see something I’m not. I wrote Pam and told her exactly what I was thinking and feeling and since she’s just really getting into the empty nest thing I knew she’s know something. Pam told me to start a journal. I’m not a journalier, I really am afraid of who might see what I’m really thinking and feeling but after listening and writing to Pam I’m going to do that. In fact her order last night was to write what I was thinking. It didn’t have to be long or short, just what I was thinking. I wrote down what I was thinking….in my mind, not on paper yet but still just laid there and thought about it all. No revelations but still felt good to just put it all together. I talked to Michele on Saturday and though I have only met her in person one time it’s like she understands my thoughts and she has had some wonderful comments. But the biggest thing last night was when I got my e-mail from Casey my partner in the E2E challenge that everything became just a bit clearer and not even really clearer just more into perspective. She said this (I hope you don’t mind me sharing Casey but I can’t be the only one going through this and if your comment can help someone else….YEAH!!!)
I was about to turn off my computer and decided to check my mail once more. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I'd just like to come and give you a great big, long hug. And I know that nothing I say can change the situation... so though I don't know what it feels like to have an only child leave home, know this, God knows what it feels like. He had to watch is only Son leave heaven to spend time on earth to save us. And He DOES know what you're going through and He CAN relate.
So sit down, close your eyes and imagine Him giving you that big hug I can't give you, ok.
WOW!!! I hadn’t thought of that, I hadn’t even really spent much time telling him about my feelings. I know he knows and I know I’ve talked to him about it but not REALLY TALKED about it. Between Pam’s idea and Casey’s comment I was able to just tell him what was wrong. It’s not a miracle, I don’t feel all put together and ready to move forward, not yet, but I do feel more in control of my feelings. I feel stronger, more able to be proud of Mike, more happy that he’s happy and so this is day one, day one to start seeing what I can do for me so that I can be the mama or really not mama anymore, the mom that Mike needs. The supporter instead of the nagger, the quiet person when he tells me his thoughts and ideas and not tell him it should be more this way instead of that way, the person for him to lean on when he needs it, not when I need it. I can do this!!!
Thank you everyone, I got some super sweet comments and hugs and thoughts when I really needed them. Everything time I need something you guys are out there ready to help, this blog world is amazing. You guys are amazing!!! THANK YOU!!!
Now it’s quiet here and time to really write down my thoughts, to start that journal. I have a special notebook that will be perfect for this, it says Julie’s Moments….Thoughts, prayers and ideas. I’ve been using for my life style changes so think I’ll go to the middle and start my thoughts and have them all in one place for that day when I want to look back and just see what I was doing, thinking and learning.
Blessings my friends.