Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Life goes on … the heart and mind … it’s a lot slower …

It is amazing how I can be working in the garden and a thought pops up and makes my eyes leak. I can be talking to someone and they apologize or offer their sympathy and my eyes leak. I can be working with the kids and they’ll say something and …. yep, my eyes leak. On Saturday we laid Cindy to rest …. really that’s a stupid saying because she was at rest/play/new life in heaven … for us, rest isn’t in the cards yet. Having a disable daughter/sister has left a lot of untied ends and we are working through them. Disabilities, separated families, ill parents and much more makes this a process that leaves me stressed and not feeling tip top. I have a pinched nerve in my back and after 2 visits to the chiropractor I was hoping for some relief but there isn't any. The pain is there and down my left arm which is making life even more miserable right now. I ice, I heat, I took a whirlpool bath, I have taken enough IBP to kill a horse, I drank a wine cooler and nothing is helping and I know that some of it is I can’t relax and I can’t let go and I’m a mess and I can’t be because the daycare kids don’t always understand the crying, I can’t cry at mama’s…it’s so hard for them, and Jim … well I think he’s just plain tired of it all. Mike listens but even he can’t handle the basket case. Kim has been awesome listening and trying to help, Brenda’s daddy is in the hospital so she has her hands full. Terri lives just to far away to run away too. UGH!!!! If only this pain would go so I could give my all to the heartache.

Now there are good things too…. like …

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A 5K last weekend with Mike. His first and he beat me. 46:02 to 46:10. It was awesome having him there. It was such a great relief to be doing something different. He skips, jogs backwards and encouraged me on.

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My never ending garden and weeds, my gosh the weeds. I have given up on them and just am working at gathering.


For the first time we had corn on the grill. YUMMY!!!!


Cold morning walks with the dogs and fog.

And walks with my kids and dogs.

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And signs of fall is on it’s way….

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               ButterflyLife does move on and it’s onward and upwards but it’s a struggle that I see going on for a long time to come. I am so looking forward to getting back to school and a regular routine. I will miss my kids but I still get them at holidays and vacations so that is good and I’m sure they’ll be happy to see my happy again too.

We were suppose to have a craft show on Saturday but for the first time in 10 years we are bowing out of this one. I don’t have it together to do it and Brenda can’t be here so this one is a no go.

Life of Riley, not tip top but it’ll improve. IT WILL!!!



Marc said...

I think you are doing exceptionally well! You are acknowledging your grief (which is part of the healing process) and you are staying busy with loved ones, doing activities that bring you enjoyment. You are awesome!

Baby Sister said...

Just keep your head up, and you'll be great. At least your sister is pain free an enjoying life. I know it's hard, I've lost a lot of loved ones, but no one like a sister, so I can't even imagine what you're going through, but you can do it. Just take it one day at a time and take it easy on yourself.

Caron said...

You absolutely need to grieve and it is very hard when you must try to hide it to help someone else. Even so, I admire you for doing that. I hope getting back to work will be very beneficial. Hang in there.

w0rld4vamps said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your nerve pain goes away too. My mother had something similar and had to do physical therapy. It's not fun. We're here for you.


Mom to the Fourth Power said...

I"m sorry it's been so hard and you've been so leaky! I can relate to the leaks!! You will prevail. I love all the pics and corn on the bbq.. yum!! Hang in there friend. I'm thinking about you!!

God bless..

Deanna Printy said...

Prayers for you! Keep finding the good... you are a blessing. <3

Anonymous said...

Julie I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. And while I know it will take a while, I hope that when you think of her you'll have smiles and not tears.


gracies tough journey said...

Julie I am so sorry again for your loss, as you know I can relate. I hope you can give your pain to God and be in peace. God Bless Julie...Gracie

Jo said...

Julie, let your grief ebb and flow naturally. Do not be strong for anyone. You have suffered a huge personal loss and need to handle it in your own way. Really, it's okay. It is, friend.

Debsdailylife said...

Maybe your dad and mom needs to see you cry! Everyone handles death differently, and you know them best! LOVE the bbq corn!! And your garden looks amazing!! Hugs and prayers!!

Sunshine's Heart said...

Hugs to you, Julie. Take is easy and be gentle with yourself. We all have to grieve in our own way. I'm know you are facing such loss and impending loss. I'm here if you need me. My new email is

Michele said...

Just thinking about you and wondering how things are going. I am sure things are up and down as you grieve. Hope your parents are holding on, too.

I also know that you are back to bus driving, so hope that is good.

BTW: Your veggies and garden products are fabulous!

Jill said...

Hugs to you... and remember one day at a time!


lv2 said...

Thinking of you. It's a slow process but hope that each day is a little better, that the good memories stay and the bad start to fade.


Flying high in the sky.... said...

you are a strong woman! stay blessed!